Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Short Term Loneliness 

What gives one the right to say, they are lonely? Is it sitting in a corner on your own for the majority of the day. Could it be silence in a room full of people, lack of communication with others? No. That is all to do with fear of being rejected.

Being lonely, is having to suffer alone. It is the knowing of yourself and the knowing that others can't help. 
Sadly no matter who sees, no matter who you are, or what you some point you will feel so lonely it frightens you. The important thing to remember is eventually someone will hear you cry or hit on a wall for help. It is in this you must have faith. 
I know how hard it can be to depend on others after a lifetime of friends letting you down in a time of need. I know how difficult it can be to show you are in pain at risk of looking weak. Showing them exactly how they can hurt you. 

I can still get these thoughts and more running through my head from time to time. Every time I have an "episode" or use a crutch I fear that someone will kick it from under me, purely because its happened before. I doubt that fear will ever change. After all if you get stung by a bee at the age of 5 you wont try and catch another bee at the age of 16? because you know it will hurt. I have gotten used to a small handful of people seeing me cry, or scream when moving. I have gotten used to the look of fear or pity of their own face. Only now with those people I don't see it as an insult or think they will use it against me on a letter date. I see it as them caring.
Often after nobody is around I sit and I cry because that feeling of anyone other than my family caring is still so strange. Sometimes even the most unexpected people, who others give the wrong idea about ;can be there to support me and in that I admit I was wrong and let my own view be influenced by someone's warning. This has happened only twice. And I like to think I gained a friend I can ask support from and maybe made a base for another. 

My point is, friends can come along at anytime. So even though you feel like nobody cares or you are alone in a dark place. You are not and never really could be. I know now that my friends are more part of my family than anything else. That kind of trust, and faith is worth waiting for. I waited years, and was rejected by so many but If I hadn't been; then I wouldn't have such an amazing life cause of my extra family.

So have faith if you are right now in the place of darkness, and crying in your bed at home or asking your mum or dad why nobody likes you. Because I promise, one day all the pain and all the tears will amount to so much more than a friend. It will take a lifetime of hate and turn it into acceptance and your tears will represent your happiness instead of your loneliness.  

Just wait and see. 

Your Friend