Wednesday, 18 June 2014
I was at a party the other night and Like any other teenager my age I was having fun, laughing and drinking a little Guinness ....I got to see old friends, some I hadn't seen in months others a few weeks. Then out of the blew the pain in my chest kicked in and refused to let me expand it more that a inch or two. So I sat there, Jack holding my head up and keeping me straight to allow as much oxygen in as possible, and Paul who sat with me, reassuring me everything was gonna be okay, that I was gonna be fine. In an "episode" as I have come to call it, things get fuzzy and all I can feel is the pain, and I can only see what is in front of me. That night it was Paul, Jack and Declan holding my hand, stroking my face and telling me they were there to help.
It is funny how in these times you find out what a person really wants. Who they are to you. If they really want to help or if they are there to watch? I asked Paul why he was helping me? why he was being so nice... the answer....because he cares, because he likes to help others. I asked the same of Declan and yet again the answer was because he cares. As for Jack he helps because he knows me, he loves me.
It is strange to think that I am now in a place were my friends help because they care and not to get something in return. They do not use it against me. In fact they simply say, so long as I am okay.
I admit this is a strange situation to be in. Normally people ask me to repay them, they ask for a favour or demand something in return. But My new friends simply want me to get better. Upon the hundredth time I asked why they were helping, I finally took in the fact that they were simply nice people, that they really are my friends.
This thought, or feeling, what ever it is...made me feel happy, and so I cried even more...before I didn't think for a moment they were doing it for me. I told jack that nobody ever does anything for free.
Now I will say to you I was WRONG. Family and Friends will do anything if they care. I am grateful to everyone who has helped me when I didn't have the ability to help myself. I am blessed that they are kind enough to not ask for anything in its place. Few know how rare it is, Few know how sad it is when you are put in a place of vulnerability. But my friends know how to help me. However they will never know how happy I am that they help, and they care. Because for the first time in my life I have more than 2 people (outside the house) who will be there to support me, and it feels amazing. It is something I never thought I would have.
So in conclusion, if I can find people like this, who are simply kind because they care. Then so can anyone, It just takes time.
Thanx to all My friends who have helped me, or even smiled and taken the time to ask about things they don't understand.
Wednesday, 11 June 2014
Short Term Loneliness
Being lonely, is having to suffer alone. It is the knowing of yourself and the knowing that others can't help.
Sadly no matter who sees, no matter who you are, or what you do...at some point you will feel so lonely it frightens you. The important thing to remember is eventually someone will hear you cry or hit on a wall for help. It is in this you must have faith.
I know how hard it can be to depend on others after a lifetime of friends letting you down in a time of need. I know how difficult it can be to show you are in pain at risk of looking weak. Showing them exactly how they can hurt you.
I can still get these thoughts and more running through my head from time to time. Every time I have an "episode" or use a crutch I fear that someone will kick it from under me, purely because its happened before. I doubt that fear will ever change. After all if you get stung by a bee at the age of 5 you wont try and catch another bee at the age of 16? because you know it will hurt. I have gotten used to a small handful of people seeing me cry, or scream when moving. I have gotten used to the look of fear or pity of their own face. Only now with those people I don't see it as an insult or think they will use it against me on a letter date. I see it as them caring.
Often after nobody is around I sit and I cry because that feeling of anyone other than my family caring is still so strange. Sometimes even the most unexpected people, who others give the wrong idea about ;can be there to support me and in that I admit I was wrong and let my own view be influenced by someone's warning. This has happened only twice. And I like to think I gained a friend I can ask support from and maybe made a base for another.
My point is, friends can come along at anytime. So even though you feel like nobody cares or you are alone in a dark place. You are not and never really could be. I know now that my friends are more part of my family than anything else. That kind of trust, and faith is worth waiting for. I waited years, and was rejected by so many but If I hadn't been; then I wouldn't have such an amazing life cause of my extra family.
So have faith if you are right now in the place of darkness, and crying in your bed at home or asking your mum or dad why nobody likes you. Because I promise, one day all the pain and all the tears will amount to so much more than a friend. It will take a lifetime of hate and turn it into acceptance and your tears will represent your happiness instead of your loneliness.
Just wait and see.