Saturday, 14 May 2016

Second Thoughts

I was sitting with my mum and dad the other night, just having some wine and we got to talking...As you know I have HME, VWD, NEAD and a few other things. You also know that I think often about kids. what if I had my own? 

We were talking about what would happen If I ever do have a child, what would I want my partner to do? who would I want to live? 

The thing is I do have to ask these questions. My partner needs to come to terms with them. My own father almost lost both my mother and me, when I was born. He almost made that choice. So baby or me? Every time, the mother should choose the baby. Or at least that is what I would do. If my partner chose me over the baby, if he chose to save me, then he would be wrong. For if that ever happens he would not be saving a partner, or a wife, he would be loosing us both. 

I know I could never live with that, and I could never be with someone who doesn't feel the same way. In light of that I am 18 and thinking about making a 'living will....' I am 18 and planning what I want to happen when I die. Though after the last couple of years and almost dying to soon more than once in that time, I have to say I should have though about it sooner. 

Would I be happy if I were to die? I would, even if I were to die tomorrow. That is my reality. I would be happy because I have done a lot with my life. I had someone email me the other day and tell me how they would be happy if their daughter was like me. I sat and cried at that email. This woman felt guilt because her child had HME, and I helped her come to terms with it, just a little bit. I think that it is all anyone can ask really. 

To me a baby, and child? HME or not, is worth the risk.
Think about how lucky you are, and think about how beautiful life is, HME and all...

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