Sunday, 30 November 2014

Better View

The other night I decided to go for a bath, like everyone dose when stressed of worried. It is a place to think, its quite, warm and nobody can get to you...or at least that's what It was meant to be. I don't know how long I was in there, I don't know how long I was splashing water onto the bathroom floor while struggling to breathe. I do know if my parents had not heard the banging, I would have died.

My dad pulled me out, I could make out the noise of my mum crying, and the worry both their voices. I remember the splashing of water in between fits. The one thing I could think about after was what if I hadn't been found, what would I regret? if anything. Funny thing is I could only think of two things.

1. Not correcting the wrongs. You might be thinking; "She is 17 what could she have done?". The answer I have done enough. I remember being so harsh on a member of my family for her hatred and her own mistakes. How silly it is. 

2. Letting people I care about leave angry. Never let anyone go home upset, or mad at you. After all it might be the last time you see them. It will be how they remember you till the next time you meet.

I want to be one of those people who doesn't die unhappy, or merely content...but blessed. I am 17 years old, and I am no longer scared of dying, nor of living. We should all just live life day by day. Say what we feel and hope for the best. Forgive others for their mistakes and any wrong doings, after all life is to short to hold a grudge.

I want people to ask the questions; what would I regret if I were to die today? and how would I make it right if given the chance?

Kind Regards
Your Friend

Jordy x

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Bye, Bye Baby

I have now seen my wee nephew 3 times since he was born 15 weeks ago, he is called Jason...and is the happiest baby I have seen. I am very proud of my friend for having him and how well she is doing, yet I can't help but feel a little stab of sadness each time I hold him knowing I might never have a child of my own. I have cried on several occasions and like any girl have picked a name, and almost planned every detail. However I know the idea of me raising a child will only ever be part of my imagination. Yet another downside to having my conditions. I can't even be trusted to stand up with a baby without fitting or falling. I know it is daft that at the age of only 17 I am hurt by the possibility of this but I feel like its part of many peoples life plans. You see we are born, we grow up, we get jobs, we have kids, we look after those kids and then we die....not always in that order but close enough.

So a child is just one more thing "god" or life has denied me. I will still help as best as I can with my wee nephew. If I can't be a mother ever, then I may as well be the best aunt. Dose anyone else ever think about how their condition will effect their future, not their job or their education, but their family? you don't need to respond just think about it. Think about what you can have, or can do....instead of what you can't...

Kind Regards