So for those of you who don't know, I have moved away from home, started college in Glasgow (Studying Television) and moved in with my partner Jack...all in the last 3 months.
I have achieved the goals I sent. I am independent, or as independent as I can be with my conditions. I have everything I wanted last year.
I was told I wouldn't make it. I was told I would give up. I was told "we will see how it goes" that I was making a mistake...and so on. However I left, and did what I wanted to do anyway. With or without support, I was determined nothing was going to hold me back again. I was not going to spend another year at home regretting my choices.
Now, I am my own person again. I know that sounds daft but you get to the point where your conditions take everything from you, they make your choices for you. I have spent the last few years letting them do just that. I stopped doing things that made me happy, that made me feel like me.
Now that I have moved out, I realise just how much of myself I lost or gave up. I used to paint, go on long walks, hang out with friends, talk to strangers, I didn't care what people thought. I used to enjoy photography, writing, singing.
I no longer paint.
I don't go on long walks.
I hang out with my friends (unless with Jack)
I don't talk to strangers.
I care what people think.
I get no joy from photography, writing or singing anymore.
Now, I have overcome and learnt to live with my conditions. I realise just how little of what I do, I do for me anymore. I don't like going out, or drawing attention to myself so I stay in and work. I find at college I try to talk to my class mates as little as possible because I am tired of being rejected, or worried I will say something wrong- this is one thing I am still very good at.
I won't lie, I am struggling right now, but I guess that is a given. After all who said life was easy?
What am I saying?
I am saying that life is about the good and the bad. It is true, you can;t have one without the other. You have to take what you are given one day at a time.
I thought that I was winning, turns out I was just dealt another hand. Now I need to try and find myself again.
The only thing is, I feel like I am going in the wrong direction! I have no passion for TV anymore, or media, I am In class and I feel nothing. I dream of a future in Television and I feel nothing. Is that wrong? Is It to late to CHANGE?
I the past when I thought of the future I was thinking of the following weeks, my dreams were only dreams, silly ideas. Now I am working towards the dream I thought I wanted and I don't know. I don't know If I am still the same girl that was dreaming of making master pieces, of winning awards.
Do any of you feel like this? Lost or just forgotten in a way? I know that I started this wanting to help people, help you but right now I am unsure on how to help myself. Can you?