Well we are now a bit into 2015 and it is looking and feeling a lot like last year. Exams have started and to say I am stressed would be an understatement. Though I guess this year is better than the last, after all I wasn't even in school this time last year. I have had a uni interview and although it didn't go as well as I hoped I still got a chance at it. Jack and I have made it to our two year mark despite everything, It was a sock to me. There was a time I never thought anyone could be with me;let alone put up with me for so long.

This is 2015 and I have a new set of cards to play, do you?

Christmas
Its a time full of candy canes and Christmas trees however there is more than just gifts to this time of year. I have spent the last few days cleaning and trying to get the house up to scratch for my family members on Christmas, not that they care clean the house is. This time of year is one of the things that keeps people like me, or like you going every other day of the year. Knowing that at the end of it we get to sit with our family and friends and forget all the pain, the worry and the fear...even just for one day. That day for me is simply a second chance.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Your Friend

Jordy

Marks

I was sitting in class the other day not long after doing a close reading paper and the teacher was helping people fix their mistakes. And a large number of the students going up for help were finding it hard to describe a scar as anything other than a scar or a mark. This caught my attention and I began to think about how people really see them....are they really just scars, or is there something more?

Now of course I found this easier than most to re-word, after all I have many scars and to me they are far more than a mark on the surface of my skin. A scar is something that lasts forever, there is nothing that can take them away. Yes you can hide them, but trust me, they will still be there. My teacher simply said scars are from trauma of some kind, they are painful, and lasting.

I say, they are memories almost sown into your skin. For me they show the pain, the anger, and even bring back memories of every cruel word said to me over the years. They are my story. I still find myself staring at them and thinking how they look, how people see them...I see all the pain they caused me over the years. However as well as forcing me to remember the bad things, they also help me to see what I have overcome. They remind me to be strong, even though they make me cry some days, not because they hurt but because they are there.

I once thought they would cause me problems. I thought that no one would ever see me as beautiful, and no one would ever love me because of them. I was wrong. Jack, is a lot like me, he tells me he likes my scars because they are a part of me. He says there is no need for me to hide them, or get ride of them with make-up and creams. Now don't get me wrong, I don't always feel the same way, in fact most of the time I hate them for not going away.

But at the end of the day my scars will always be there, and I have to live with that. They are both a strength and a weakness, and I love and hate them. However knowing that if people can look past my scars and still say I am beautiful, then I know they are there to say.

What about you do you love and hate, yet would never really change? Remember no one is alone in the fight...

Kind Regards

Your Friend

Jordy

Better View

The other night I decided to go for a bath, like everyone dose when stressed of worried. It is a place to think, its quite, warm and nobody can get to you...or at least that's what It was meant to be. I don't know how long I was in there, I don't know how long I was splashing water onto the bathroom floor while struggling to breathe. I do know if my parents had not heard the banging, I would have died.

My dad pulled me out, I could make out the noise of my mum crying, and the worry both their voices. I remember the splashing of water in between fits. The one thing I could think about after was what if I hadn't been found, what would I regret? if anything. Funny thing is I could only think of two things.

1. Not correcting the wrongs. You might be thinking; "She is 17 what could she have done?". The answer I have done enough. I remember being so harsh on a member of my family for her hatred and her own mistakes. How silly it is. 

2. Letting people I care about leave angry. Never let anyone go home upset, or mad at you. After all it might be the last time you see them. It will be how they remember you till the next time you meet.

I want to be one of those people who doesn't die unhappy, or merely content...but blessed. I am 17 years old, and I am no longer scared of dying, nor of living. We should all just live life day by day. Say what we feel and hope for the best. Forgive others for their mistakes and any wrong doings, after all life is to short to hold a grudge.

I want people to ask the questions; what would I regret if I were to die today? and how would I make it right if given the chance?

Kind Regards
Your Friend

Jordy x

Bye, Bye Baby

I have now seen my wee nephew 3 times since he was born 15 weeks ago, he is called Jason...and is the happiest baby I have seen. I am very proud of my friend for having him and how well she is doing, yet I can't help but feel a little stab of sadness each time I hold him knowing I might never have a child of my own. I have cried on several occasions and like any girl have picked a name, and almost planned every detail. However I know the idea of me raising a child will only ever be part of my imagination. Yet another downside to having my conditions. I can't even be trusted to stand up with a baby without fitting or falling. I know it is daft that at the age of only 17 I am hurt by the possibility of this but I feel like its part of many peoples life plans. You see we are born, we grow up, we get jobs, we have kids, we look after those kids and then we die....not always in that order but close enough.

So a child is just one more thing "god" or life has denied me. I will still help as best as I can with my wee nephew. If I can't be a mother ever, then I may as well be the best aunt. Dose anyone else ever think about how their condition will effect their future, not their job or their education, but their family? you don't need to respond just think about it. Think about what you can have, or can do....instead of what you can't...

Kind Regards 

Jordy  

I am happy, I have made more friends. I have found a part of the endless puzzle that is my life. I know that It is wrong to expect people to stay. But I don't get called names anymore, I don't get kicked when I am down, instead I get picked back up. I was in the common room once when I had a fit, and 3 of my friends + a random stranger helped me, they didn't have to, I know they didn't, but the fact is they didn't hesitate to help. 
After so many walking away, I had come to expect that of my own age, but now I have my long term friends and I think I am making new ones...I can't help but hope they will stay, we shall see. 

Ask yourself is their anytime in your life you regret not helping another, or a time where nobody helped you...ask yourself why? and if it has changed? because I know it will. 

Kind Regards 
Jordy

Returning.

The sun has once again started to shine and the rain has decided to take a holiday, I should be thrilled, the trouble however is it's now time to go back to school. This is the time every teenager has been dreading for the last week, or will be when their alarm clock goes of at 6 am tomorrow morning.

For me I am not dreading going back and doing the work, I am not dreading the early mornings or even walking up and down stairs all day. I was asked how I feel about going back for my 6th year and all I can say is "fine". "Fine" as in 'Don't know'. Why? Because I know that when I go back there is every chance me having an episode in the hall, walking down the stairs or even sitting working in a class room. That isn't so bad, or at least it wouldn't if I knew what exactly people think when they seem me crying.



So when I say I am fine with going back. I really mean, I am afraid of what I don't know. I don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will manage to stay, with people already talking of pulling me out of school again. I don't know how these episodes keep happening, no matter how many people ask me.



School brings enough problems for teenagers, but for those who have other things to deal with on top of grades, tests, hormones and puberty, school becomes all the more daunting.

So I guess the question is this, when does it all become to much? and how do you know when to quit?



Your Friend

Jordy